Favorite Al Bundy Quotes 


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       "WELCOME TO BUNDYANA!!!" 

       "HOOTERS, HOOTERS - YUM YUM YUM; HOOTERS, HOOTERS - ON A GIRL THAT IS
       DUMB" 

       "A MAN IS A MAN ALL OF HIS LIFE, A WOMAN IS ONLY PRETTY UNTIL SHE
       BECOMES YOUR WIFE." 

       "JUST SAY NO TO MARRIAGE!!!" 

       "WOMAN, YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH EM', THE END..." 

       "WOMAN, YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH EM', YOU CAN'T HERD THEM ALL INTO
       CANADA..." 

       "IF GOD WANTED WOMAN TO BOWL HE WOULD HAVE PLACED THEIR BREASTS
       ON THEIR BACKS TO GIVE US SOMETHING TO WATCH WHILE WAITING OUR
       TURN!" 

       "GIVE ME BEER OR GIVE ME DEATH! OR GIVE ME BOTH!" 

       "THE PERFECT WOMAN HAS THREE BREASTS - ONE ON THE BACK FOR
       DANCING!" 

       "WITHOUT ANY MEN TO WRONG YOU WOMAN WHERE WOULD THEY GET THOSE
       DELIGHTFUL STORIES FOR THOSE WONDERFUL MADE-FOR-TV MOVIES?" 

       "I'M ALMOST A HUMAN BEING, DAMN IT!!!" 

       "RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO MY BOSS' MOUNTAIN CABIN TO FISH AND DRINK
       AND DRINK AND FISH AND SOMETIMES EVEN FISH AND DRINK AND DRINK AND
       FISH! FOR ONE WEEK I'M GOING TO PRETEND I'M ACTUALLY ALIVE!" 

       "IF ONLY OPRAH HAD BEEN ON WHEN I SAID 'I DO'..." 

       "WHAT'S UP IS I WAS KING OF THESE STREETS BEFORE YOU WERE THE GLEAM
       IN THE EYES OF A COUPLE OF STRANGERS AT AN EAGLES CONCERT!" 

       "I'M NOT SELLING SHOES FOR THE MONEY. I'M IN IT TO TORTURE FAT WOMAN."

       "ANYONE KNOW WHO WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT? WELL, WHO CARES? BUT,
       WHOEVER YOU ARE, READ MY LIPS: DON'T TAX BEER!!!" 

       "ON THE GOOD SIDE I GOT HIM TO KNOCK ANOTHER HUNDRED DOLLARS OFF
       THE CAR. I MEAN WHY PAY FOR SEATBELTS IF YOU DON'T HAVE BRAKES?" 

       "PEG, YOU HAVE THE LOOK OF A WOMAN WHO JUST SWALLOWED A CANARY! 
       BERTHA, YOU HAVE THE LOOK OF A WOMAN WHO SWALLOWED A COW WHO
       SWALLOWED A CANARY! 
       AND MARCY... YOU LOOK LIKE A CHICKEN." 

       "YOU GIRLS WANT A LADIES' NIGHT? TRY HAVING IT IN THE KITCHEN
       COOKING FOR A MAN!" 

       "IF ONLY MY APPLE GREW AS FAST AS YOUR OPRAH!" 

       "POLICE? AL BUNDY HERE! I WANT TO REPORT A STOLEN APPLE! NO NOT THE
       STUPID COMPUTER! I'M TALKING ABOUT A FRUIT!" 

       "THERE'S A LESSON TO BE LEARNED FROM THIS BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF I
       KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!" 

       "SO THIS IS WHERE THEY WORK THE MAGIC THAT MAKES YOU LOOK 55!" 

       "GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS! WHO AM I KIDDING? SEA HAGS!!!" 

       "A FAT WOMAN SLOSHED INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY. SAID SHE WAS
       RETAINING WATER. I TOLD HER NOT TO WORRY THE DAM OF CELLULITE
       SHOULD KEEP US ALL SAFE THE NEXT FEW YEARS!!! NOW, I DON'T KNOW
       WHEN THEY STARTED LETTING WOMAN CARRY STUN GUNS..." 

       "A SKINNY WOMAN WITH A HOOKED NOSE OLIVEOILS INTO THE SHOE STORE
       SAYS 'I WANT SOMETHING TO MAKE ME LOOK SEXY.' I SAY "YOU'LL HAVE TO
       WAIT A LONG TIME BEFORE SOMEONE THAT UGLY COMES IN AND STANDS NEXT
       TO YOU!!!' NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHEN THEY STARTED LETTING WOMEN CARRY
       NUNCHUKS..." 

       A FAT WOMAN CLIP-CLOPS INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY SAYS 'I WANT
       SOMETHING I CAN FEEL COMFORTABLE IN ' SO I SAY 'TRY WYOMING!' NOW, I
       DON'T KNOW WHEN THEY STARTED LETTING WOMEN CARRY CHAINSAWS..." 

       "THEN THIS WOMAN COMES IN WHO DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH. SHE POINTS AT
       THE SHOES, I POINT AT THE DOOR. SHE POINTS AT THE SKY AND KNESS ME IN
       THE NAY NAYS!!!" 

       "MEN ARE DIFFERENT. THEY ARE LONERS, ROGUES, GREAT WHITE HUNTERS
       LIKE OUR ANCESTOR THE MIGHTY MONKEY. MEN NEED VARIETY. IN FACT
       WOMEN LIKE US THAT WAY. WOMEN DON'T RESPECT A MAN UNLESS HE
       CHEATS. THAT'S WHY YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T RESPECT ME." 

       "TO THINK I HAD A STAKE AND DIDN'T DRIVE IT THROUGH YOUR HEART!" 

       "I DON'T KNOW, PEG. I'M JUST BABBLING ON LIKE THIS BECAUSE I'M LOOKING
       AT HER CLEAVAGE!" 

       "A CUSTOMER WALKS INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY. A TALL WILLOWY
       BRUNETTE. SHE SITS DOWN AND ASKS TO TRY ON A PAIR OF SIZE 12 PUMPS. SO
       I SIT DOWN THERE DOING MY BUSINESS AND I NOTICE SHE'S WEARING A
       GARTER BELT WHICH I LIKE. ALL THE TIME SHE'S SMILING AT ME. SUDDENLY
       SHE UNCROSSES HER LEGS LIKE IN 'BASIC INSTINCT'... IT WAS A GUY!!!!!" 

       "I WOULDN'T RUB YOUR TUSCH IF ROBIN WILLIAMS POPPED OUT OF IT AND
       OFFERED ME THREE WISHES!!!" 

       "PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME ON MY BIRTHDAY!" 

       "I'M GOING WHERE A MAN BELONGS! ON HIS KNESS IN FRONT OF A FAT
       WOMAN, ROLLING BACK THE FLESH OF THE ANKLES TRYING TO FIND THE
       FOOT." 

       "MARCY! HAVE THE NERVE TO FACE ME WHEN YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME!
       WHOOPS YOU ARE! WE GOTTA GET YOU A SIGN SAYS "FRONT" and "BACK"!" 

       "YOU'RE A TOAD, YOU KNOW THAT JEFFERSON? WHY WOULD I SAY I LOVED A
       GIRL IF I EVER HAD SEX WITH HER?" 

       "I GUESS MY CRIES THIS MORNING OF 'IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THE CARE
       PLEASE, PLEASE I BEG YOU PICK ME UP AFTER WORK' WAS A LITTLE VAGUE!" 

       "HOW DID I GET HOME YOU ASK? WELL, NOT HAVING THE CORRECT CHANGE
       FOR PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION NOR THE BILLS TO GET THE CORRECT CHANGE
       NOR THE JOB TO GET THE BILLS TO GET THE CORRECT CHANGE, I GOT A RIDE
       FROM TWO FINE GENTLEMEN WHO DRIVE THE ROADKILL TRUCK!" 

       "...THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY MOVIE. I SAW 22 HOOTERS A BUNCH OF
       GUYS WERE KILLED, HAD NO STORY AT ALL! IT HAD... IT HAD EVERYTHING." 

       "MY DODGE DOESN'T HAVE BULLET HOLES! BUT THAT CAN CHANGE IF YOU'RE
       WILLING TO CRAWL INTO THE TRUNK!" 

       "SILENCE FELINE BEASTS!! NOW WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR 10 HOURS, AND IN
       THAT TIME THE TWO OF YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN QUIET TWICE. ONCE WHEN I
       ASKED WHEN MY LUGGAGE FORGOT TO BE PUT ON THE CAR, AND THE SECOND
       FOR THE HOUR THAT OPRAH WAS ON WHICH I FIND REMARKABLE SINCE WE
       DON'T HAVE A T.V.!!!" 

       "LOOK PEG, IT'S THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE OF PSYCHO DAD!!!" 

       "BUT PEG, IT'S A CLASSIC. THIS IS THE ONE WHERE YOU FIND OUT HOW HE
       GOT THE EIGHT REINDEER HEADS ON THE WALLS OF HIS CABIN!!!!" 

       "THIS COUNRTY HAS BEEN RUN FAR TOO LONG BY PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE
       ISSUES!!" 

       "A FAT WOMEN WALKED INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY. SHE WAS SO FAT, SHE
       HAD THREE SMALLER WOMEN ORBITING AROUND HER." 

       "THERE'S THREE THINGS A BUNDY WILL NEVER BE: RICH, A SNITCH, OR
       REGULAR." 

       "WE HAD A DEAL: NO SEX!!!" 

       "I JUST RESPECT OTHER MEN'S RIGHT NOT TO TURN TO STONE IN FRONT OF MY
       STORE!" 

       "AFTER THE SHOOT I WANNA SHAKE EVERYONE OF YOUR HOOTERS." 

       "PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY BREASTS AWAY!!!" 

       ..."WELL I WAS SAVING UP FOR A BULLET." 

       "CHRISTMAS IS A TIME YOU SHOULD SPEND WITH YOUR LOVED ONES... I'D SAY
       THAT'S TIME ENOUGH. GO AWAY I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV!!!" 

       "A WOMAN COMES INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY, SO HUGE SHE'S PROTECTED
       BY GREENPEACE. SHE ASKED FOR A PAIR OF SIZE 4 SHOES SO I ASKED IF SHE
       WOULD EAT THEM HERE OR TAKE THEM HOME, AND SHE HAS THE NERVE TO
       COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PERFORMANCE!" 

       "SO, IF SOME MOO COW THUNDERS IN HERE WITH A PIE UNDER EACH CHIN i'M
       NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK HER IF THAT'S THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER SHE'S
       BELCHIN, SO I KNOW WHETHER TO STAND UP OR SIT?" 

       "YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THIS BUT IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE FOR THOSE OF US
       WITHOUT A COUCH GROWING OUT OF OUR BUTTS!" 

       "A FAT WOMAN GODZILLAS INTO THE SHOE STORE TODAY. ASKS FOR
       SOMETHING SHE COULD WEAR TO WALK IN THE WOODS. JOKINGLY I SUGGEST
       SHE WEAR A SIGN THAT SAYS 'DON'T SHOOT! FROM THE FRONT I LOOK
       HUMAN!'" 

       "WHAT IS IT PEG? YOUR 'ONE WEEK TO A DEAD HUSBAND' KIT COME IN?" 

       "10,000 DOLLARS? FOR THAT MONEY I COULD BUY A NEW TV, SATELLITE DISH
       AND STILL HAVE ENOUGH LEFT TO HAVE THE LOCKS CHANGED SO I CAN
       WATCH IT IN PEACE" 

       "10,000 DOLLARS AND A TRIP TO TAHITI FOR HAVING SEX WITH PEG? WELL,
       IT'S A TOUGHY..." 

       "I HAD TO GET BY THE DRUG STORE TO GET SOME MARITAL AIDS: BREATH
       MINTS FOR YOU AND WILD TURKEY FOR ME!!" 

       "TRY THE MOON, YOU'LL WEIGH LESS THERE." 

       "SOME FAVORITE BUNDY SAYINGS: 
              "GREAT CESARS GHOST!!!" 
              "I'M NOT GAY!!!" 
              "GREAT JUMPING HORNY TOADS!!!" 

       "WE'RE MARRIED, PEG. WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS!" 

       "SO, THIS GOD PERSON, WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE LOOKS LIKE?" 

       "TAKE YOUR PRARIE CHICKEN HIDE AND CLUCK OUT OF HERE!" 

       "IS THAT MICHAEL BOLTON SCREAMING 'SILENT NIGHT'?" 

       "EAT SHOE AND DIE!!!" 

       "MY WIFE IS OUT THERE UNSUPERVISED WITH CREDIT CARDS!!!" 

       "HELLO? JEFFERSON? YOU BUSY? YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH MARCY? WHAT IS
       SHE, HOLDING A GUN? O.K., I'LL WAIT. LET'S GO, LET'S GO!!!" 

       "I SAY WE KICK SOME COMPUTER BUTT!!!" 

       "AT LEAST YOU LOOK STUPID." 

       "MY WIFE BOUGHT THE WRONG BATTERIES AND SINCE I CAN'T EXCHANGE HER,
       I'D LIKE TO EXCHANGE THESE FOR THESE..." 

       "I ALWAYS SAID IF I CAME INTO A LITTLE MONEY I'D SPREAD IT AROUND THE
       COMMUNITY. YOU KNOW, GIVE A LITTLE CHARITY. OF COURSE I ONLY SAID
       THAT. I'LL PROBABLY SPEND IT ALL ON HOOKERS AND BOOZE!" 

       "I ACTUALLY HEARD GOD LAUGH!!!" 

       "ALL RIGHT YOU SON OF A WOMAN FROM WANKER!!!" 

       "MY NAME IS AL BUNDY AND I WAS BORN TO ROCK YOUR WORLD!!!" 

       "YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE KELLY FOR THAT ALVIN CRACK. PERSONALLY I
       THINK YOUR VOICE SOUNDS LIKE SIMON.." 

       "AH, THE SEVENTIES.. THE CLOTHES, THE SHOES, THE MUSIC... AH, DID THEY
       SUCK!!!" 

       "AM I NOT PERMITTED TO GROW AS A HUMAN BEING, PEG?" 

       "THAT'S IT, YOU (BUD AND KELLY) ARE OUT OF THE WILL!! (THINKS FOR A
       SEC.) SAYS TO HIMSELF, 'WAIT A MINUTE, I WANT THEM TO SUFFER.' I KNOW, I
       AM PUTTING YOU IN THE WILL!" 

       "(AL GETS ROBBED AT THE SHOE STORE) GRIFF COMES IN, SEES AL TIED UP
       AND ASKS 'WHAT HAPPENED?" AL SAYS: "WELL, KATHY IRELAND CAME INTO
       THE STORE TODAY, TIED ME UP AND WE HAD WILD, PASSIONATE SEX ALL
       NIGHT." GRIFF SAYS: 'COOL!, SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME!'. JEFFERSON
       COMES IN AND SAYS: 'AL, GRIFF, WHAT HAPPENED?' GRIFF SAYS: 'WELL,
       APPARENTLY KATHY IRELAND..." AL 'SHHHAAAATTTAAPPP!!!'" 

       "WHAT DOES NBC HAVE TO DO WITH TELEVISION?" 

       "NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME OUT OF WANKER COUNTY, INCLUDING YOUR
       MOTHER!" 

       "REMEMBER UNCLE STICKY'S FACE? IT'S WHERE WE USED TO HIDE OUR KEYS." 

       "MARCY, LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU. CLUCK, CLUCK, CLUCK." 

       "WHO PUT THE BATTERIES IN THE ENERGIZER CHICKEN?" 

       "THIS PROVES A PERSONAL THEORY OF MINE: THE LONGER YOU SUFFER THE
       GREATER THE REWARD. IT'S HOW THE GODS WORK." 

       "FOR ONCE I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT: AL BUNDY CAN'T LOSE... CAN'T WIN
       EITHER!" 

       "AL BUNDY NEVER SAYS DIE! WELL, HE SAYS DIE HE JUST NEVER DOES." 

       "LIKE A REAL MAN WOULD USE A TOOTH BRUSH!" 

       "I'M TAKING THIS TO WHOEVER REGULATES YOU PEOPLE! WHO IS THAT BY THE
       WAY? ABSOLUTELY... NOONE? WHAT'S THEIR NUMBER? 1-800-BITE ME..." 

       "TWO GRAND AND THE THREE STOOGES. FOR A DEAD MAN I'M AWFULLY
       HAPPY." 

       "THE STOOGES? IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM HOW COME YOU KEEP GETTING YOUR
       HAIR CUT LIKE MOE?" 

       "IT'S A SAFE BET THAT BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR MARCY WILL BE A MEMBER OF
       THE HAIR CLUB FOR MEN." 

       AL'S LESSON ON MARKETING BEER: 
              "FIRST OF ALL: IF IT WASN'T FOR BEER THERE WERE AT LEAST THREE
              PERSONS WHO PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN BE MARRIED: ME, JEFFERSON,
              AND PROBABLY LISA MARIE PRESLEY. 
              SECOND: SINCE MEN BUY BEER, ADVERTISERES HAVE TO CATER TO WHAT
              WE WANT, AND HOLD ON TO YOUR CORN COB PIPE, WE LIKE PRETTY
              WOMAN. THAT'S WHY PRETTY WOMEN SELL GODD THINGS AND UGLY
              WOMAN SELL... TENNIS RAQUETS. PRETTY WOMAN CARS, UGLY WOMAN
              MINI VANS. PRETTY WOMAN MAKE US BUY BEER, UGLY WOMAN MAKE US
              DRINK BEER!!! 

       "NO MA'AM HEAVY WEIGHT DIVISION COMPANY HOLT!!! PRESENT BEER
       BELLIES!!! BOOGIE DOWN!!!" 

       "JUST BUY ME A NICE HEAD STONE AND WE'LL CALL IT EVEN." 

       "MARCY, IN THE WORDS OF YOUR OWN PEOPLE: CLUCK NO!!" 

       "THAT'S WHY GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPED DOWN THAT CHERRY TREE AND
       CALLED IT MACARONI." 

       "DAMNED GEORGE WASHINGTON, I WISH HE WAS DEAD!!!" 

       "WHEN DID BEING BORN A MAN BECOME A CRIME?" 

       "BASEBALL BELONGS TO THE PEOPLE AND THE PEOPLE IS... US! SO, I, AL
       BIRDIE, SAYS: LET THERE BE BASEBALL, LET THERE BE LIFE!!!" 

       AL: "WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BASEBALL STRIKE. IT'S
       AFFECTING THE WAY WE LIVE!" 
       BOB ROONEY: "YEAH, I HAD TO TAKE MY WIFE TO THE BEAUTY PARLOR!" 
       SARGENT-AT-ARMS IKE: " I HAD TO TAKE MY WIFE TO THE OPERA!!!" 
       AL: "I HAD TO TAKE MY WIFE!!!" 

       "I CONFESS TO KILLING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AND... UH... EATING THEM." 

       "LIKE I HAVEN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH." 

       "AL: LADIES... 
       MARCY: WE PREFER GYNO-AMERICANS 
       AL: THEN RHINO AMERICANS IT IS!!!" 

       "JUST AS A MAN'S EYES MUST ADJUST TO THE LIGHT WHEN HE'S BEEN IN THE
       DARK SO TOO MUST A MAN'S EYES ADJUST TO HIS WIFE WHEN HE'S BEEN AT
       THE NUDIE BAR" 

       "IT MAY SEEM THAT THE NUDIE BAR IS A PLACE WHERE MEN GO TO WATCH
       SURGICALLY ALTERED HOOTERS SWAY ODDLY TO BAD MUSIC. IN REALITY IT IS
       A PLACE WHERE MEN GO TO RELAX, UNWIND AND... WATCH SURGICALLY
       ALTERED HOOTERS SWAY ODDLY TO BAD MUSIC." 

       "IT'S USUALLY MUCH MORE CIVILIZED IN HERE, BUT WHEN THE TALK TURNS
       TO HEALTH CARE DAMN IT I BECOME AN ANIMAL!" 

       "DO YOU THINK MRS. IACOCCA CALLS LEE AND SAYS: 'BEFORE YOU GO INTO
       THAT BOARD ROOM, WHAT'S THAT CUTE LITTLE NICKNAME YOU HAVE FOR MY
       ASS?'!!!" 

       "YOU TWO ARE THE BEST CHILDREN ANY FATHER ACCIDENTALLY EVER HAD!" 

       "AL: TRY TO IMAGINE JEFFERSON'S WIFE UP THERE NAKED ON THE STAGE! AND
       IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, TRY TO IMAGINE JEFFERSON UP THERE NAKED!! 
       IKE: WHAT IF THAT DOESN'T WORK?" 
       AL: THEN YOU'RE OUT OF THE CLUB!!!" 

       "IF A MAN CAN'T STAND A TWO-HOUR TAPE OF 'DR. QUINN - MEDICINE WOMAN'
       HE'S NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO BE IN NO MA'AM!!!" 

       "BOB ROONEY: TASTE IN TELEVISION"! T.I.- 
       AL: SHATTTTTTAP!!" 

       "REAL MEN DON'T WRITE LETTERS!" 

       "WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE PAIN AND SUFFERING I WENT THROUGH FOR YOU
       TO BE CONCEIVED!!!" 

       "WE'RE IN WASHINGTON! LET'S TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT IT HAS TO OFFER.
       GRIFF, CHECK OUT ROOM SERVICE. IKE, FIX THE T.V. SO WE DON'T HAVE TO
       PAY FOR THE PORN CHANNEL." 

       "SOME BIRD CHIRPS ON MY SIDE OF THE WINDOW EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK AND
       I'M OVERREACTING BECAUSE I WANT TO PUMP SIX POUNDS OF BUCKSHOT
       INTO IT'S THREE OUNCE BODY???" 

       "MARCY, DESPITE YOUR ANNOYING FLAPPING OF BOTH WINGS AND LIPS, I'M
       GLAD YOU'RE HERE. I'M HAVING A PROBLEM WITH BIRDS. MAYBE YOU CAN
       SPEAK TO THEM IN THEIR NATIVE TONGUE..." 

       "I FOUND OUT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT LAST NIGHT: NEVER TRY TO
       SNEAK PAST A RABBIT HUTCH WITH AN OWL IN YOUR PANTS." 

       "FINE, I'LL KEEP THE BLEEDING INTERNAL..." 

       "ODD, MY ENTIRE LIFE JUST FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES. THAT ONLY HAPPENS
       BEFORE..." 

       "IF WE WERE REALLY SINKING DO YOU THINK I COULD LOOK OUT THIS PORT
       HOLE AND SEE... FFFFIIIISSSSHHHH!!!!!" 

       "I GAVE HIM A CHECK. IT'S NOT GOOD OR TRACEABLE OR ANYTHING." 

       "LOOK PUMPKIN, DADDY GOT MEAT!!!" 

       "I USED TO CALL HER 'PUMPKIN', NO SHE IS ONE." 

       "NICE GIRL. SHE IN THE WRONG HOUSE?" 

       "WOMAN!!! MY ODD SIX!!!" 

       "PEG, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS WAS A CRUISE FOR FAT WOMEN?" 

       "THANK YOU FOR BOOKIN ME ON THE TITANIC, PEG!!!" 

       "YOU BEAKED ME!!!" 

       "YOU SEE, THE NEA HAS GIVEN ME MONEY TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT MY LIFE.
       IF YOU WANT TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT YOUR LIFE, I SUGGEST YOU GO RENT
       ROOSTER COCKBURN!" 

       "WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO LIGHT A BREAST?" 

       "I CAN'T AFFORD IT SINCE PEG'S MOTHER, A.K.A. FREE WILLY, BEACHED
       HERSELF UPSTAIRS!!!" 

       "PEG: YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT MY MOTHER... 
       AL: O.K., SHE'S A BIG PILE OF... 

       "I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS AND I GOT SOME BAD NEWS. THE GOOD NEWS IS
       TWEETY KNEW MORE THAN 150 WORDS. THE BAD NEWS IS NONE OF THEM WERE
       "PLEASE DON'T EAT ME." 

       "YOU KNOW I LOVED BUCK MORE THAN I LOVE ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM... WAY,
       WAY MORE THAN I LOVE ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM!!!" 

       "WOULD BUCK LIKE A LITTLE SHOE UP HIS BLOWHOLE?" 

       AL: "I GOT AN IDEA. HOW ABOUT WE SPLIT UP???" 
       PEG: "YEAH? THEN?" 
       AL: "THAT'S IT... WE JUST SPLIT UP!! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS YEARS
       AGO?" 

       "WHO PUT THE ENERGIZERS IN THE CHICKEN?" 

       "THERE'S ALREADY BEEN ONE FUNERAL IN HERE TONIGHT PAL..." 

       "Oh, it won't kill me, Peg. That's your job!!!" 

       "Burned Beyond Recognition"??? Why can't these bands have cool names like when we
       were kids? Band like "Nineteen Ten Fruitgum Company"! 

       "If your life was any easier you'd be in an urn in the ground!" 

       "Don't quit your day couch, Peg!" 

       "You do not want Kelly! From the moment she was conceived she has made men's lives
       miserable. Swaggard, Baker, Kennedy... Kennedy, Kennedy... Swaggard again!!!" 

       "Oh yeah, this could happen." 

       "Well you had a good time, mine pretty much blew chunks." 

       "Is there anybody with a worse job than mine?" 

       "The home shopping network! There's a good idea for women! It was a little too hard
       driving to the mall with a couch strapped to their ass!!!" 

       "It's amazing! They don't even have gravity in Wanker county but they have the home
       shopping network!!!" 

       "Marcy's niece? She must be from the unfeathered side of the family!" 

       "This wouldn't be a bad job if people didn't come in here!" 

       "Well, with a name like Leslie I think your a sissy!!!" 

       "He's my son!!! Don't you think I know he stinks?!!" 

       "Stop!!! Daddy's got a new pair of shoes!!!" 

       "Don't eat the croissant!!!" 

       "In ten days we bowl for the championship which means we start intense training!
       Twinkies, Ding Dongs and Beer are in, protect your bowling arm at all times! Sex before
       the match is out! ...Unless of course you can keep it secret from the wives." 

       "This is gonna work out great for me except one thing... She's gonna want some sex!" 

       Marcy: "We're having a new addition to our family!" 
       Al: "Shouldn't you be at home waiting for it to hatch?" 

       Al: "Cut to the left, cut to the left!!! Now!!! Go for the end zone!!! 
       Bud: "I thought you were looking at cheerleaders." 
       Al: I am. Damn cameraman's shooting their faces!!!" 

       Marcy: "I am Marcy Darcy here on behalf of the Coalition for the Esthetically Challenged." 
       Al: "Challenged? I'd say defeated, exciled and left for dead!!!" 

       "Jumping Jehosafat I'm a hunk!!!" 

       "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." 

       "No problem, I was on my way back to town to get a hernia operation anyway! Can I get
       anybody else a hundred pounds of anything?" 

       Peg: "If you're gonna come in could you shut the door?" 
       Al: "If you're gonna live here could you shut your mouth?" 
       Peg: "You haven't been very nice to my family." 
       Al: "Neither has nature, go bother it!!!" 

       "They brought the horse trailer. Your mother in there, Peg?" 

       "That's the sound of the axel hitting the ground. That means one of two things. Either
       Peg's family's in town or everybody in China just jumped off a chair." 

       "Your life is meaningless compared to Hondo!!!" 

       "How about Elmo the Human Surprise, is he coming?" 

       "I welcome death!" 

       "I saw your mother naked and everything went black!!! I think my eyes were trying to
       protect my heart!!!" 

       Peggy: "Why don't you take us all out for dinner?" 
       Al: "What the hell, kids, you never wanted to go to college anyway, did you?" 

       "Bud you go to college, I mean you're not going to any parties or getting laid or anything
       but you go to classes, right?" 

       Al "Kelly turn the car on." 
       Bud "Maybe you should tell her to use the key before she starts rubbing the car" 
       Al "Bud, you sister isn't that dumb. Pumpkin use the key. 

       "Conqratulations Peg, you've just won a trip to disneyfist!" 

       "Shoes...no kind of life for a man..." 

       Al (praying to God), "was Oprah right? Are you a big fat woman?" 

       "You hate to see me eat, don't you, Peg?" 

       To Kelly, "If daddy gets the (electric)chair, will you sit on his lap one last time?" 

       "Set saaaaiiiil baby!" 

       "Wolf, night, moon, shoes!" 

       "5000 bucks for a Barbie doll ?? A real woman isn't worth that much.." 

       "..show them, as only you can, that the female body is not to be appreciated, but to be
       feared, reviled, and in the case of most of you, kept totally covered at all times." 

       " Uncle Al, what is retirement? 
       Al " Retirement is when Woman marries, and Man dies" 

       "It would make a great movie! Better than that damn Columbus. America was already there,
       it would take a genious to invent a toilet bowl!" 

       "We didn't break free from that pantsy country England by voting! We did it by throwing
       their stinkin' tea in our American harbour! And why? Because Americans don't like tea. We
       like coffee. And Americans don't like wine. We like beer. Ice cold.
       Ice-cold-best-in-a-bottle-but-fine-any-way-you-can-get-it-belchinIt would make a great
       movie! Better than that damn Columbus. America was already there, it would take a genious
       to invent a toilet bowl! wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it-next-day-beer!" 

       "A fat woman came into the shoe store today. Wanted a pair of shoes for a christmas party.
       I told her to stand on her hands, put a star in her butt and go as the world's largest, ugliest
       tree!" 

       "The American justice system works! Beat the crap out of people before judges let them
       go!" 

       Peg: Ooh baby! Is that a nightstickk or are you just happy to see me? 
       Al: It's a nightstick and I'm not afraid to use it! 

       Al: You'll never guess what I dreamt about at work today! 
       Peg: Me? 
       Al: Yes! 
       Peg: Was I in bed? 
       Al: Yes! As a matter of fact I'd tied you up! 
       Peg: Ooh Al, that's so kinky! What were you doing? 
       Al: Cindy Crawford!!! 

       "Peg: Why don't you ever rock me, Al? 
       Al: 'Cause I'd rather stone ya. 

       "Prety women make us buy bear. Ugly women make us drink bear." 

       "It's not for the dodge, it's for your mom, peg, look it even comes in her size: astrooooo
       Vannnnn" 

       "Entertainment for the cave man was simple: Man kill food, woman burn it, giant
       taradactyle swoops down chases woman, woman fall in mud. A good laugh is had by all." 

       "Amazing beef: how great the taste o save a slab for me" 

       Fat Woman: "Do you always go to work wearing a suit and smelling like High Karate?" 
       Al: "No. Do you always go to work wearing curtains and smelling like Mars bars?" 

       AL, (to marcy): "Why did you cross the road!?!??" 

       "My home is my hell!" 

       "Four weddings and a funeral, where's the difference?" 

       Bud: "At my birth I was crying when the doctor hit me. Not like Kelly who said: "harder,
       harder"."