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Here are a couple of jokes I have heard.
A salesman knocks on a farmer's door and says, "I notice you have some
milkweed growing alongside the road. Do you mind if I get myself some milk?"
The farmer thinks the guy is nuts, but says "Son, if you can get milk out
of my milkweed, take all you can carry". An hour later the salesman leaves
carrying 2 gallons of milk.
A couple of weeks later the same salesman knocks on the same farmers door
and says, "Sir, I notice you have some strawberrys growing in the field by
the road. Do you mind if I get myself some straw from them?"
The salesman looks at him bewildered, and says "Straw from strawberries???
If you can get any straw from them strawberrys go right ahead". An hour
later the salesman leaves carrying 2 bales of hay.
A couple more weeks go by and again the salesman knocks on the farmers
door. The farmer is a bit annoyed, but asks what he can do for him. The
salesman says, "Sir, I notice you have some pussywillow growing in the
field beside the road"
The farmer stops him right there and says, "Hold on son, let me get my hat".
A older gentleman goes to a lingerie store. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," he says. The saleslady returns with another one "This one is $350." "Come on, you must have something even better" he replies. Once again she returns, holding up a negligee that you could barely see "This one is the sheerest one that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
Dis mite hep sum yawl talk betta when yawl be talkin t'me. Cudn hert.
Cose, ya gotta meemba, d' NC dilect isa litl diffent.........n' sumtimes
we dun even unstand em'dar Jawjuh foke from Lanna.
The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in by
labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to
pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington
by designating Southern slang, or Hickphonics," as a language to be taught
in all Southern schools.
A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are
excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, hire yew?" [[better as Heidi, hire yawl?]]
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "Ma brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner [or Lanna,
depending on what southern dialect you use...]
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer n' left $20,000,000 in
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from
him in munts."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
RINCH - a verb. Use klane water to git the soap off'a or outta sumpthin'
Usage: "Let me jist rinch out this here cup and parr ya some coffee."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
[once again, NC hickphonics oawll
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck,
yhat thang's gonna ketch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar
in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the crick don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometam."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb.
1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit
'n 'is laf."
SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "TopSecret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run-around the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, " Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, " I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire
circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit
for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called;
and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to
the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring.
He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
a. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.. b. The dog was
receiving 90 volts of signaling current. c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and
urinating on the ground.. d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring..
Which just goes to show that some problems *can* be fixed by pissing on them. But only temporarily...
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and
classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:
o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers .
o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat,
size 8 and fur collar.
o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
o Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
o We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
o No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
o For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
o For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
o Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.
o 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
o Great Dames for sale.
o Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
o Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
o 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and
bottled by us last year.
o Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
o Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
o If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as
Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
o Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all
o The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
o Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
o Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
o Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
o Stock up and save. Limit: one.
o Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
o We build bodies that last a lifetime.
o Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .
o This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
o For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
o For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
o Man, honest. Will take anything.
o Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
o Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
o Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
o Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
o Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
o Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
o Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
o Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
o 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
o Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
o Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
o Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
o See ladies blouses. 50% off!
o Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
o Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
o Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume generalhousekeeping duties. Must be
capable of contributing to growth of family.
o Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
o Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
o Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
o And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
o We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.